Damn Coldplay and Other Thoughts
Damn Coldplay and Other Thoughts
What follows is a copy of the journal I’m required to keep following each training session. In case you’re wondering, and you’re probably not, it’s Day Three because I’ve only just learnt how to transfer direct from Word. If it seems a bit all over the place it’s because the first half is transcribed from my writing during the day. Oh just read it or surf on it’s up to you.
Day Three
? Where to start? What to say?
This was another major day today?
In the midst of trying to find where my Gestalt blocks are – I still don’t know though I suspect that they’re at the desensitized stage – made a deep, impacting and emotional connection with Gwynne. During our SGP [small group process] she came to a subject that moved her to tears. I wasn’t shocked though, I wasn’t even scared, I did feel an overwhelmingly urge to give her a hug – which I asked for and received a little later – but I still do feel the need and I wonder whether it’s become more projection – ‘You look like you need a hug’ to be read as ‘Please hug me!’. I’m not sure why that is yet – reassurance that I haven’t hurt her? Moved by the subject? Moved by her reaction to it? Hmmm…
I don’t know. It’s frustrating – I can feel the emotion below the surface, masked, it could just do with something, not much, just…
Yeah, today has stirred me up. I need some time to absorb and process it.
0121 am
Stirred up indeed. Sat here typing up my notes from the past three sessions with Coldplay on the Xbox. Just taking some time. Until ‘Fix You’ came on. Barely even registered it until I was crying over my keyboard. It was only brief, a couple of sobs a few tears but it was deep. There was movement there like I haven’t felt in a while. I’m struggling and have been all evening with wanting to email Gwynne to say ‘I hope you’re ok, I hope… What you said…’ oh I don’t know. I think I’m just looking for that hug.
Well I found my something, should’ve known, I’m a sucker for emotional music, movies, books especially when I’m feeling fragile like this. Yes fragile, that’s exactly it. Fragile, handle with care, could break if mishandled. Well I broke a little bit, I cried a little when it came on again a while later, but that’s ok. As I’ve said to Candle in a weird way I enjoy the release. Especially as the rest of the time I’m so locked away.
Well after the small group I really wasn’t with the group anymore. I’d locked myself down, withdrawn, I did try to join in but the one time I tried to connect with someone else it felt, and still feels, mistimed, misjudged, like I was trying too hard. I know now that I’ve should just have stayed with what I had instead of forcing myself to make what I thought was a comforting statement. I was commenting for my sake not theirs, looking for that hug I think.
Ok, enough now. I’m done here for today. Tired. I think I’ll post this to my blog tomorrow.
What follows is a copy of the journal I’m required to keep following each training session. In case you’re wondering, and you’re probably not, it’s Day Three because I’ve only just learnt how to transfer direct from Word. If it seems a bit all over the place it’s because the first half is transcribed from my writing during the day. Oh just read it or surf on it’s up to you.
Day Three
? Where to start? What to say?
This was another major day today?
In the midst of trying to find where my Gestalt blocks are – I still don’t know though I suspect that they’re at the desensitized stage – made a deep, impacting and emotional connection with Gwynne. During our SGP [small group process] she came to a subject that moved her to tears. I wasn’t shocked though, I wasn’t even scared, I did feel an overwhelmingly urge to give her a hug – which I asked for and received a little later – but I still do feel the need and I wonder whether it’s become more projection – ‘You look like you need a hug’ to be read as ‘Please hug me!’. I’m not sure why that is yet – reassurance that I haven’t hurt her? Moved by the subject? Moved by her reaction to it? Hmmm…
I don’t know. It’s frustrating – I can feel the emotion below the surface, masked, it could just do with something, not much, just…
Yeah, today has stirred me up. I need some time to absorb and process it.
0121 am
Stirred up indeed. Sat here typing up my notes from the past three sessions with Coldplay on the Xbox. Just taking some time. Until ‘Fix You’ came on. Barely even registered it until I was crying over my keyboard. It was only brief, a couple of sobs a few tears but it was deep. There was movement there like I haven’t felt in a while. I’m struggling and have been all evening with wanting to email Gwynne to say ‘I hope you’re ok, I hope… What you said…’ oh I don’t know. I think I’m just looking for that hug.
Well I found my something, should’ve known, I’m a sucker for emotional music, movies, books especially when I’m feeling fragile like this. Yes fragile, that’s exactly it. Fragile, handle with care, could break if mishandled. Well I broke a little bit, I cried a little when it came on again a while later, but that’s ok. As I’ve said to Candle in a weird way I enjoy the release. Especially as the rest of the time I’m so locked away.
Well after the small group I really wasn’t with the group anymore. I’d locked myself down, withdrawn, I did try to join in but the one time I tried to connect with someone else it felt, and still feels, mistimed, misjudged, like I was trying too hard. I know now that I’ve should just have stayed with what I had instead of forcing myself to make what I thought was a comforting statement. I was commenting for my sake not theirs, looking for that hug I think.
Ok, enough now. I’m done here for today. Tired. I think I’ll post this to my blog tomorrow.
posted by Journeyman at 1:53 am
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