The Night After the Night Before
I've just re-read my last post. Intense to say the least.
I'm still debating whether to delete it or not. I could but that would be the easy option. Delete it and forget I ever wrote it. Only a dozen or so people read it anyway and they're spread across the planet. It's not as if I'm going to bump into someone tomorrow who'll say 'God, I was reading some poor bastards blog yesterday and...'
I'll leave it.
To say something out loud that I've only ever said to myself and one other, well that feels quite empowering. Even if I'm only talking to an empty room, occasionally populated by an anonymous listener (that'd be you), still, isn't that better than wrapped up, shut away, locked down inside? If I can tell you, who else could I tell? My mother, my sister, my cousin (who is so much like a brother it's scary), my partners, my friends? Myself?
I know that sounds weird, why on earth do I need to tell myself? I suppose it would be more accurate to say that maybe if I can tell other people, maybe, just maybe I will allow myself to really feel the emotion behind the story I'm telling. Anything that helps me link into that has got to be a good thing. It saddens me to know I'm so cutoff from such a major part of my exeriencing. Hmm..that seems like a contradiction in terms, to be saddened because I'm cutoff from my emotion. But I'm not some unfeeling robot, I cry at sad things on tv sometimes (although only when I'm on my own), other peoples lives sometimes saddens or excites me as they would anyone else. I can feel hurt and feel joy and yet so often, especially when trying to access painful memories, I don't know what I feel or what I feel is at odds with what I know is there deep under the surface.The defences have kicked in and I find myself lost again, a blank.
Ok, enough for tonight. TGIF. Get tomorrow out of the way and then it'll be round to Bigman's for some cheap red plonk, a ridiculously long session of Halo2, topped off with a WH40k massacre on Sunday. No doubt I'll get my arse kicked again. Dice hate me. :-)
Best of all, it's a training day on Monday and I'm seriously looking forward to getting together again with the rest of the novitiates in the wonderful, scary, challenging and so many other things, world of counselling and psychotherapy training.
G'night.
I've just re-read my last post. Intense to say the least.
I'm still debating whether to delete it or not. I could but that would be the easy option. Delete it and forget I ever wrote it. Only a dozen or so people read it anyway and they're spread across the planet. It's not as if I'm going to bump into someone tomorrow who'll say 'God, I was reading some poor bastards blog yesterday and...'
I'll leave it.
To say something out loud that I've only ever said to myself and one other, well that feels quite empowering. Even if I'm only talking to an empty room, occasionally populated by an anonymous listener (that'd be you), still, isn't that better than wrapped up, shut away, locked down inside? If I can tell you, who else could I tell? My mother, my sister, my cousin (who is so much like a brother it's scary), my partners, my friends? Myself?
I know that sounds weird, why on earth do I need to tell myself? I suppose it would be more accurate to say that maybe if I can tell other people, maybe, just maybe I will allow myself to really feel the emotion behind the story I'm telling. Anything that helps me link into that has got to be a good thing. It saddens me to know I'm so cutoff from such a major part of my exeriencing. Hmm..that seems like a contradiction in terms, to be saddened because I'm cutoff from my emotion. But I'm not some unfeeling robot, I cry at sad things on tv sometimes (although only when I'm on my own), other peoples lives sometimes saddens or excites me as they would anyone else. I can feel hurt and feel joy and yet so often, especially when trying to access painful memories, I don't know what I feel or what I feel is at odds with what I know is there deep under the surface.The defences have kicked in and I find myself lost again, a blank.
Ok, enough for tonight. TGIF. Get tomorrow out of the way and then it'll be round to Bigman's for some cheap red plonk, a ridiculously long session of Halo2, topped off with a WH40k massacre on Sunday. No doubt I'll get my arse kicked again. Dice hate me. :-)
Best of all, it's a training day on Monday and I'm seriously looking forward to getting together again with the rest of the novitiates in the wonderful, scary, challenging and so many other things, world of counselling and psychotherapy training.
G'night.
posted by Journeyman at 12:14 am
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