Perfection and Dioramas
Yeah, I know. Been a little while hasn’t it?
I suppose this is a good test of how committed I am to this whole Blog thing. I know what I’m like, all enthusiasm and eagerness right up to the point where it actually requires some effort.
Hmmm…in all honesty I don’t know what to do about that side of myself apart from fight it where I see it. Seeing it’s the hard part tho’.
So what’s happened since my last post. Not a vast amount in all honesty. I’ve been through a period of anger at Candle, my therapist, but that’s resolved. I was angry at her for fracturing my image of her as ‘perfect’. Odd isn’t it, being angry at someone because they want you to see them as human? Still it’s raised the issue of how I perceive her and what that’s doing to our relationship. Plenty of scope for exploration there. It’s my need to have someone be everything that I feel I need to make me complete and whole again I think. What better person to put in that role than the one person who really tries to connect in a truly meaningful way. What worse person to put into that role than the one who is trying so hard to be real?
I have to say after my last session, when we brought these issues into the light and turned them and my anger over a bit, I felt ‘in my skin’ than I’ve noticed for a while, instead of that ‘looking out at the world’ sensation. That was a few days ago now and I’m still feeling pretty good. Very few unwanted dioramas which is always a good sign.
I suppose I should explain what I mean by that. I use the word diorama for sort of mini-fantasies that tend to occur when I’m overly stressed, depressed or angry. They can involve anything from dying heroically to killing the cat. (Just in case you’re concerned Conker is on my bed dreaming of mice at the mo’). Most of them just run through my head and out again but one or two will get stuck and that’s when it really gets fucking mental, ‘cause I’ll have this little scenario run incessantly round and round in my head until I either completely distract myself, usually by ‘switching off’ (putting the xbox on, crap tv etc) or until something breaks the mood. Not fun at all but I’m working on them and they do provide a good indicator of my mood and a source for self exploration. Every fucking cloud eh?
Ok, I think I’m done here for now, I’ve written more than I thought I would. Not a bad thing I suppose.
I suppose this is a good test of how committed I am to this whole Blog thing. I know what I’m like, all enthusiasm and eagerness right up to the point where it actually requires some effort.
Hmmm…in all honesty I don’t know what to do about that side of myself apart from fight it where I see it. Seeing it’s the hard part tho’.
So what’s happened since my last post. Not a vast amount in all honesty. I’ve been through a period of anger at Candle, my therapist, but that’s resolved. I was angry at her for fracturing my image of her as ‘perfect’. Odd isn’t it, being angry at someone because they want you to see them as human? Still it’s raised the issue of how I perceive her and what that’s doing to our relationship. Plenty of scope for exploration there. It’s my need to have someone be everything that I feel I need to make me complete and whole again I think. What better person to put in that role than the one person who really tries to connect in a truly meaningful way. What worse person to put into that role than the one who is trying so hard to be real?
I have to say after my last session, when we brought these issues into the light and turned them and my anger over a bit, I felt ‘in my skin’ than I’ve noticed for a while, instead of that ‘looking out at the world’ sensation. That was a few days ago now and I’m still feeling pretty good. Very few unwanted dioramas which is always a good sign.
I suppose I should explain what I mean by that. I use the word diorama for sort of mini-fantasies that tend to occur when I’m overly stressed, depressed or angry. They can involve anything from dying heroically to killing the cat. (Just in case you’re concerned Conker is on my bed dreaming of mice at the mo’). Most of them just run through my head and out again but one or two will get stuck and that’s when it really gets fucking mental, ‘cause I’ll have this little scenario run incessantly round and round in my head until I either completely distract myself, usually by ‘switching off’ (putting the xbox on, crap tv etc) or until something breaks the mood. Not fun at all but I’m working on them and they do provide a good indicator of my mood and a source for self exploration. Every fucking cloud eh?
Ok, I think I’m done here for now, I’ve written more than I thought I would. Not a bad thing I suppose.
posted by Journeyman at 2:14 pm
1 Comments:
Hi! Just passing through. I like your blog. I put up a link to you today.
AC
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