A Total Lack Of Respect For The Heart

How life changes.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a place where I’ve had the time, inclination or opportunity to be here.

So much has happened. Trauma and joy. Love and heartache. Here’s a very brief rundown.

Miss Potential became Miss Actual became almost Mrs Journeyman. For a brief, brief moment my life was complete. Had the family, the kids, the home and the future that I realised I’d always wanted.

Then it collapsed, fell apart. A combination of self destruction and betrayal. The person I thought she was didn’t exist, the person I thought I could be was further away than I realised.

So the past couple of months have seen me sleeping on my friends sofa. Pieceing my life together slowly whilst making a determined effort to leave the shards of the recent past where they lay.

I’ll be starting a house share with some friends next week.

My own room again. Woohoo.

A decent kitchen to cook in. Hooray.

The opportunity to have a space of my own again. Cheer.

Just to keep life uncomplicated I’ve just started on a relationship with a girl at work. She already has a partner. Dear god check the irony. He is a shit, in case you’re wondering. Controlling, jealous, he even headbutted her in a drunken jealous rage recently. Maybe that sounds like I’m justifying my actions, maybe I am. But you know what?

I don’t give a fuck.

She makes me happy, she loves me and I want to show her what it really means to be loved by someone who truly values you.

I’m such a hopeless romantic. Is there a word for someone who gives his heart away so easily? Apart from ‘fucking idiot’ obviously.

I don’t know when I’ll be back here. I hope it won’t be too long. We shall see.