Back in the water, unfortunately it's Shit Creek.
So…here I am again. Has the world changed since my last, rather traumatic, entry?
Well, yes and no as always.
Am I still in a financial shit creek of my own making?
Oh yes sir indeedy without a doubt. I think £20 to last all week, still no bills paid and the fact that I need to speak to Candle and tell her that I’m not going to be able to resume my therapy until the new year confirms that, don’t you?
On the other hand, I am working and, more importantly, I’m feeling again, I’m alive again. ( I’m trying to do what it needs to get myself out of this hole I’ve dug. Not there yet, not by a long way, but I’m working on it.
As has become increasingly apparent to me, it’s been the course that was the catalyst for change. most importantly the session last week was the one where I climbed out of the awful blues I’d found myself in after ‘waking up’ and where I actually began to put myself back together. A major part of that process for me was being in a place where people saw that I was in some kind of pain, distress but when I was honest and said ‘Yes, I’m pretty shit at the moment but leave me with it for now’ they did. In ‘real life’ (in joke for any readers who may be on the course) people around you would have left you alone but given that look that says ‘I’m going away because you asked but you’re chuffing weird to ask for that.’ (Ok, now that I write that, I’m not sure what that look is but I know what I mean). Instead, it was ok to ask for that space and it was just what was needed. By the end of the day I was almost back to the usual me.
So now, one week on and after another session, the last of the year, I’m still feeling ok. That’s not ‘ok I don’t have any worries anymore’, that’s ‘ok this is the shit I need to deal with but I can find time and space to feel good too’.
Another major point that I need to write about is the status of my course journal. My intention was to include it in my blogging as a record of the journey I make through the course, that is the intention of this entire exercise after all. However, after the issues that have arisen in the last few sessions regarding confidentiality and trust I’ve decided that I will only include a direct quote from my journal where I feel it’s needed. However, I reserve the right to publish as much or as little of it as I want notwithstanding the contracts I make with other members of the group.
Ok, that’s the legalese out of the window. It actually brings me on to another item which is bugging me at the moment. This journal, blog, personal diary is my space, my anonymous space, my place to be me without the constraints and risks normally associated with talking to friends, fellow course members, family etc. So, I’ve given the address of this place to the other members of my course, big deal for me in case you were wondering (ok you probably weren’t but anyway). It’s an exercise in trust, can I trust other people enough to let them hear my voice without fear of retribution, mockery, contempt? Hmmm…we’ll see. You, however, Reader, you are a different thing entirely, I don’t know you, I will most likely never know you, you’re opinions if you express them are your own and as such I can be quite smug and say that any hurtful comments or criticisms will just roll off my back like a rolly thing that someone put on my back while I wasn’t looking. In all honesty, a few comments negative or otherwise would actually be an interesting change from the general silence I’ve received so far. Apart from AnonymousCog bless his little call centre traumatised socks.
Damn, I’ve got distracted from what I was about to say. Oh yes, I was explaining the whole giving out this address thing. Anyway, so I go and do that (although I think I’ve given out that wrong address. Doh!) and instantly an issue arises that I a) feel the need to write about, b) isn’t about the course or anything that’s happened on it (strictly speaking) and c) IS about someone else on the course. GODDAMN IT! So now instead of the whole trust issue which I’ve just resolved (I hope) I’ve got another issue that I don’t know what the chuff to do with. I’m feeling bloody frustrated that to be honest to myself I need to write about this but the consequences, oh the consequences are potentially catastrophic. Alright maybe I’m drama queening it a bit but the consequences could be bloody fatal as far as one of the relationships to someone on my course goes. Talk about ‘Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!’. I think the only thing I can do at the moment is to hold off writing anything until my own feelings around this issue are a little clearer. I don’t want to though and I’m a bit damn annoyed that I have to now.
This is one long post.
Enough for now.
G’Night.
Well, yes and no as always.
Am I still in a financial shit creek of my own making?
Oh yes sir indeedy without a doubt. I think £20 to last all week, still no bills paid and the fact that I need to speak to Candle and tell her that I’m not going to be able to resume my therapy until the new year confirms that, don’t you?
On the other hand, I am working and, more importantly, I’m feeling again, I’m alive again. ( I’m trying to do what it needs to get myself out of this hole I’ve dug. Not there yet, not by a long way, but I’m working on it.
As has become increasingly apparent to me, it’s been the course that was the catalyst for change. most importantly the session last week was the one where I climbed out of the awful blues I’d found myself in after ‘waking up’ and where I actually began to put myself back together. A major part of that process for me was being in a place where people saw that I was in some kind of pain, distress but when I was honest and said ‘Yes, I’m pretty shit at the moment but leave me with it for now’ they did. In ‘real life’ (in joke for any readers who may be on the course) people around you would have left you alone but given that look that says ‘I’m going away because you asked but you’re chuffing weird to ask for that.’ (Ok, now that I write that, I’m not sure what that look is but I know what I mean). Instead, it was ok to ask for that space and it was just what was needed. By the end of the day I was almost back to the usual me.
So now, one week on and after another session, the last of the year, I’m still feeling ok. That’s not ‘ok I don’t have any worries anymore’, that’s ‘ok this is the shit I need to deal with but I can find time and space to feel good too’.
Another major point that I need to write about is the status of my course journal. My intention was to include it in my blogging as a record of the journey I make through the course, that is the intention of this entire exercise after all. However, after the issues that have arisen in the last few sessions regarding confidentiality and trust I’ve decided that I will only include a direct quote from my journal where I feel it’s needed. However, I reserve the right to publish as much or as little of it as I want notwithstanding the contracts I make with other members of the group.
Ok, that’s the legalese out of the window. It actually brings me on to another item which is bugging me at the moment. This journal, blog, personal diary is my space, my anonymous space, my place to be me without the constraints and risks normally associated with talking to friends, fellow course members, family etc. So, I’ve given the address of this place to the other members of my course, big deal for me in case you were wondering (ok you probably weren’t but anyway). It’s an exercise in trust, can I trust other people enough to let them hear my voice without fear of retribution, mockery, contempt? Hmmm…we’ll see. You, however, Reader, you are a different thing entirely, I don’t know you, I will most likely never know you, you’re opinions if you express them are your own and as such I can be quite smug and say that any hurtful comments or criticisms will just roll off my back like a rolly thing that someone put on my back while I wasn’t looking. In all honesty, a few comments negative or otherwise would actually be an interesting change from the general silence I’ve received so far. Apart from AnonymousCog bless his little call centre traumatised socks.
Damn, I’ve got distracted from what I was about to say. Oh yes, I was explaining the whole giving out this address thing. Anyway, so I go and do that (although I think I’ve given out that wrong address. Doh!) and instantly an issue arises that I a) feel the need to write about, b) isn’t about the course or anything that’s happened on it (strictly speaking) and c) IS about someone else on the course. GODDAMN IT! So now instead of the whole trust issue which I’ve just resolved (I hope) I’ve got another issue that I don’t know what the chuff to do with. I’m feeling bloody frustrated that to be honest to myself I need to write about this but the consequences, oh the consequences are potentially catastrophic. Alright maybe I’m drama queening it a bit but the consequences could be bloody fatal as far as one of the relationships to someone on my course goes. Talk about ‘Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!’. I think the only thing I can do at the moment is to hold off writing anything until my own feelings around this issue are a little clearer. I don’t want to though and I’m a bit damn annoyed that I have to now.
This is one long post.
Enough for now.
G’Night.
posted by Journeyman at 1:42 am
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