The Night After the Night Before

I've just re-read my last post. Intense to say the least.

I'm still debating whether to delete it or not. I could but that would be the easy option. Delete it and forget I ever wrote it. Only a dozen or so people read it anyway and they're spread across the planet. It's not as if I'm going to bump into someone tomorrow who'll say 'God, I was reading some poor bastards blog yesterday and...'

I'll leave it.

To say something out loud that I've only ever said to myself and one other, well that feels quite empowering. Even if I'm only talking to an empty room, occasionally populated by an anonymous listener (that'd be you), still, isn't that better than wrapped up, shut away, locked down inside? If I can tell you, who else could I tell? My mother, my sister, my cousin (who is so much like a brother it's scary), my partners, my friends? Myself?

I know that sounds weird, why on earth do I need to tell myself? I suppose it would be more accurate to say that maybe if I can tell other people, maybe, just maybe I will allow myself to really feel the emotion behind the story I'm telling. Anything that helps me link into that has got to be a good thing. It saddens me to know I'm so cutoff from such a major part of my exeriencing. Hmm..that seems like a contradiction in terms, to be saddened because I'm cutoff from my emotion. But I'm not some unfeeling robot, I cry at sad things on tv sometimes (although only when I'm on my own), other peoples lives sometimes saddens or excites me as they would anyone else. I can feel hurt and feel joy and yet so often, especially when trying to access painful memories, I don't know what I feel or what I feel is at odds with what I know is there deep under the surface.The defences have kicked in and I find myself lost again, a blank.

Ok, enough for tonight. TGIF. Get tomorrow out of the way and then it'll be round to Bigman's for some cheap red plonk, a ridiculously long session of Halo2, topped off with a WH40k massacre on Sunday. No doubt I'll get my arse kicked again. Dice hate me. :-)

Best of all, it's a training day on Monday and I'm seriously looking forward to getting together again with the rest of the novitiates in the wonderful, scary, challenging and so many other things, world of counselling and psychotherapy training.

G'night.

Pennies and Secrets

This will be a difficult post. One reason is because Conker is in a real 'i love you' mode at the moment (after earlier deciding that the paper shade on my nice Ikea lamp is sooo much fun) and would much prefer my hand to be stroking her belly than typing and insists on coming over and telling me so with nudges.

The other reason...well...i've struggled with the other reason for a very long time. Do I tell you? I'm pretty sure I'm anonymous here but still...I don't know. I want to write about it, that's a big reason why I'm doing this blog at all, to try and track my journey through this year, farts an' all (I'm being flippant now, one of my more established defence mechanisms). Still...

Fuck it, here goes.

Today being Wednesday, I had my weekly session with Candle (I'm making these names up as I go but this seems particularly appropriate as she casts light in dark places). I had a lot to tell her about and it seemed that she was truly pleased when I told her I'd handed my notice in, Candle more than anyone knows how difficult a journey it was for me to get to that point. I was feeling, as I have done all week, barring work Monday (I Didn't Like Mondays), relaxed and energised. All good. We talked about the incident with Bitchtits, we both saw how significant it had been. For me to get worked up like that, to express it and in such a direct, obvious, appropriate way (to the situation) and then, just as importantly, to let it go, is something of a miracle (at least that's how it feels to me).

It was then that Candle pointed out something I hadn't seen, that both of the major incidents have been examples of me saying 'No'.

No, I will not work in a job that I hate anymore.

No, I will not accept your bullying behaviour.

No.

Small word, big impact. An expression of my choice, of taking control.

Not 'No, but...'.

Not 'Yes' when I want to say 'No'

'No.'

I went back through many, many times when I wanted or felt that I should've said 'No' until...

(this is so very hard to write)

I was 6 or 7, pretty sure it was 6. I had a babysitter, a family friend I think, he sat for me only the once that I recall, (it's weird I never thought that it was unusual that my babysitter was a 'he' until C queried it today). We chatted for a while, he was friendly, he told me that he did 'massages'.

Would i like one?

To the child that I was it sounded like fun, I said yes.

But he normally got paid for massages. Did I have any money?

I only had 2 pence (I remember it in my hand, round and dark and heavy) it wasn't enough.

Well that would be ok because we were friends now.

So he gave me his 'massage' but then, of course, it was time to return the favour. You don't need any more details, you don't want any more details. What would I have now if I could've said 'No.' then? But how could I? I was just a child. Naive. Trusting. Manipulated. Abused.

I almost get angry sometimes. I almost got angry today. I want to get angry, furious, raging. To smash his face in, to smash the power that these memories have had over me for so long. I want to say no.

But my defences, so finely honed, so formidably bulwarked against any attempt to access these emotions, reinforced and multiplied over the years, rehearsed time and time again until the fluid action of them is as painfully equisite as a guillotine made by Faberge, slams into place, cutting me off from the rage and hurt and pain. I'm left looking into darkness that hides, at an eclipse instead of the sun, a path into an abyss.

I was close today though I think, with the help of Candle I've been edging closer, slowly, to the emotions that this and many other painful memories have got locked away and ultimately to the integration of these emotions back into Me. To become whole again.

I'm taking steps.


P.S. I have written and rewritten parts of this post a dozen times. I almost deleted the lot and quit. It has been incredibly difficult to write. Please, if you are going to comment this, I ask only that you remember the spirit in which it was written. Thanks.

Early Starts & Changing Times

Ok, this has to be a quick post because I'm up at 6 tomorrow. No big sweat you say but I'm a night owl and not a worm catcher and my normal 'drag my backside out of bed' time is 8.

Joy of joys I'm off to Preston with Bitchtits to stand on a shopping centre roof in the rain and listen to him pointlessly bollock 2 of our engineers. I say pointlessly because as all of the engineers know, what BT rants about one day he'll barely comment on the next.

Oh yeah, I've decided to lose the clock, it looks good but it had all it's cool factor sucked out of it when I realised that if anyone wants to know the time it's more than likely going to be at the bottom right of your screen anyway. It is redundant, therefore it goes.

Not sure about the music thing yet. Only has one song at a time and the colours seriously clash with the rest of the page (does that sound very gay?).

Love Coldplay tho'.

Anyway got to scoot.

I Didn't Like Mondays

Odd, Odd day today. Started ok, usual work stress but with my internal 'countdown to leaving' clock running there wasn't anything too much to handle. That was until Bitchtits got a bee up his backside about a report that we needed in today(unfortunately, due to the whole confidentiality I need to keep this a bit vague, besides the details are dull dull dull). What made it worse was that, despite me wanting to run it my way, despite the fact that I had repeatedly assured him that it was being dealt with (which it was) he just worked himself up into such a frenzy until he was banging on his desk, shouting and swearing! I lost it a little at that point. To quote, 'YES [Bitchtits], I AM PERFECTLY FUCKING AWARE HOW FUCKING IMPORTANT THIS IS!'

I don't do angry, I steam but I don't do angry. It makes me shake, sweat, I feel sick to my stomach and I have trouble getting my words out. Usually, not today though! :-)

This isn't the first time that Bitchtits has got all worked up and started swearing at people and banging around in the office, it's a fairly common occurance, I'd guess at about once a month. Usually everyone just puts their head down and tries not to attract his attention or if you're in the line of fire you just agree with his points until he's ranted enough and calms down enough to enable you to either attempt to explain the situation in a way that'll mean he actually understands whats happened (which he doesn't a lot of the time) or get the hell out of there.

Not today though.

I know I'm banging on about it and for those of you who work in places where this kind of thing is commonplace may be wondering what the hell I'm whingeing on for (you all may be wondering that but hey, it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to). The thing is we're a small group of people in a small office, in a small/medium sized company. Imagine being trapped in a submarine with a captain who, seemingly at random, starts shouting and swearing at his crew in front of everyone. Reckon it would put your stress levels up a bit? A lot? Through the roof?

Why do you think I'm getting the fuck out of Dodge?

Anyway, he calmed down after that, I don't know whether it was the realisation that he'd overstepped the mark, surprise at my out of character reaction or he'd simply run out of steam. I know what I'd like to think it was. ;-)

Another Miracle of Modern Science

Getting Late & New Beginnings

Well it's almost 20 past 1 and I really need to start thinking about tearing myself away from the computer and getting some kip. I've spent a scandalous amount of time today doing blog stuff. There are some very impressively done sites out there (as I'm sure you're already aware) and I might start putting links to some on the page (probably some time after I learn how to do it without having to flick backwards and forwards to the help page a dozen times - when did my memory get so poor?). I hope in time that I can make my blog a bit more bright and shiny, we'll see.

I've signed up to BlogExplosion and have spent an inordinate amount of time trawling through various blogs amazed at the richness of the scenery. Also earned 8 credits, woo-hoo(?), though I still don't know entirely what that gives me. Is it like Nectar points? If I collect 3,000 credits do I get a voucher for a pack of Salt & Vinegar Discos?

By the way if anyone knows where I can get S & V Discos these days let me know. They make Pringles look like a piece of cardboard in my opinion.

Work tomorrow but that's ok. Now that I've handed my notice in I don't have that 'Ihatethisjobihatethisjobihatethis...' going round in my head thank christ. Doesn't mean I don't hate the job but I've definitely developed a much healthier 'fuck it' attitude over these last few days. Which reminds me. I came across an excellent faux medicine advert earlier today, if I can I'll swipe it and bring it here or maybe just link to it we'll see.

Hmm..I may not be getting to sleep just yet. It seems that Conker has decided to have a mad half hour and I just know that just as I'm dropping off to sleep she'll jump on my head like she did on Friday at 4am (scared the crap out of me I can tell you) or she'll decide that one of my extremities needs to die. Ha, it's just an excuse to have another fag and spend a bit more time here really.

I'm off now to have one last quick scooby at the weird and wonderful world of blogland. See if I get inspired.

G'night.

Just re-read the previous post and noticed that 'blog' is definitely one of those words that gets weirder the more you say it.

Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog.....etc etc ad absurdum.

Sods Law & Blog Envy


Sods Law isn't it, I rant about adverts and the ranting post doesn't have any. Would it be more ironic if it had?

Oh dear, oh dear. I've just been to a very very good blog.

Ah Yes, Medical School has interesting links, loads of comments and, most importantly of course, an absolutley riveting blog. Check it out.

Unfortunately, I'm now left with a 'My blog's going to be so crap compared to that' feeling.

Damn, is this what happens? Do people find the whole blog thing, get really enthusiastic about having somewhere to air their thoughts, feelings, life, general drivel and then stumble across someone who actually has an interesting life and something to say and think to themselves 'I can't do that.' and quit?

More importantly, am I going to do that? That would show a certain lack of conviction wouldn't it?

Anyway, I figure the best thing to do would be to never, ever read that blog again. Don't even mention it. In fact I would go so far as to tell everybody else not to read it as well. This page'll be a kind of blog 'Village' where the outside world doesn't exist. I suppose that means I've got to rope in a few people to be virtual blog 'monsters' to dissuade anyone from reading these more interesting blogs. If anyone mentioned another blog in the comments these 'blogsters' would write really critical, harsh comments about it.

Anyone who fancies being a blogster let me know.

Oh yeah, if you haven't seen 'The Village' and I've just ruined the movie for you, don't worry about, it's crap, trust me, a poor excuse for a movie. 'Sixth Sense' I loved, 'Unbreakable' Great movie, although I appear to be the only one of my circle of friends that did like it. Hmm. 'The Village' = just plain silly.


39 comments! 39! I'm beginning to wish that the advertisers would come back just so I can open my page and say 'Look, 20 people thought my blog was 'Great!!!!' Ooh look how popular I am' and 'Wow, investing in a company that makes eyelash curlers for chihuahuas (sp?) sounds like a great idea.'

Ok, maybe not. But I am considering getting a Hit Counter. Pure narcissism of course which would backfire in the most sweetly ironic way when I realise that my hit counter only records the fact that no one has visited. lol

I like the thought of that. I'm definitley going to get one now.

For someone with a hangover I've rattled on quite well this morning. However, hunger is now propelling my thoughts to the kitchen and my nicotine addiction is pushing my body towards the shops for some fags. Choices choices.